Monday, April 13, 2009

So here's a conundrum.....

My father split when I was 13. The day his divorce became final with my mother, he married another woman who lived in a neighboring town and had three kids of her own. So for a few years, I vacillated back and forth between his house and my mother's house. (Mom hardcore solid conservative as it gets - Dad married a woman who dabbled in witchcraft and watched porn together as a family. Can you imagine the chaos of Twichie's growing up years?)

When I turned 18, Dad called and said 'Now that you're an adult I don't have to pay anything for you. You're on your own now kid.' And that was it. I heard from him two or three more times after that. Once I needed money desperately for an emergency surgery and called him and he said no. I ended up needing a loan for it.

So a few weeks ago, bumped into my step-sis on Facebook. We talked a bit about life, kids, etc. We hadn't talked in nearly 20 years so we caught up. We exchanged pics of the kids and such - that's it though. Didn't really connect.

So today on my wall she writes (publicly I might add) that my Dad is dying and she thought I should know. She admitted he's a crappy dad but she said she thought I would want to know so I don't have regrets.

What the heck should I feel about that? I haven't thought about my Dad in years (other than a few weeks ago when she and I reconnected and then it was more...oh wow. Yeah. But nothing more than that).

There's a nice curveball. Add to that the realization that she had no idea he and I hadn't spoken because she says his walls are covered with pictures of me and the kids (obviously sent by my mother without my knowledge) and she assumed we were in contact enough that I sent those.

Also? We're planning a family vacation in May and we'll be driving through (of all places) the town where he currently resides and THAT was where we'd planned to stay the night.

The man was abusive when he DID pay attention to me and a jackass at his BEST. What the heck happens next? Stay tuned - it may end up in a screenplay.



NYPinTA said...

To be honest, I am one of those people that rolls my eyes when some speak of "family" as if it's this magical thing that transcends the crappy things people do to one another and means one is expected to offer complete forgiveness or whatever just because of DNA. It just bugs me, that mindset. But each person is different and sometimes being the bigger person is what really matters. (Whatever that means.)
One could say that the univers is comspiring to give you a chance to see him again, seeing as you are going in that direction and you connected with a step sister that seems just a tad light on common sense. Or she thought the message she was sending was just to you and not in a public spot. I hope so, because posting it there on purpose is kind of passive aggressive or a bad attempt to make you feel guilty for whatever reason that I can't comprehend. Could be because I can't wrap my head around the family screenings of porno so if I'm rambling a bit, I apologize. They say you can't pick your family, except you did when you got married. You chose something that made you happy and maybe I'm a bit selfish in this thought, but I say that is what really matters and I think you should decide if seeing him again is something that you want to do for YOU.
And I also think you can feel whatever you want, even if it's nothing. Everyone gets so worked up at the thought of a parent dying, but you haven't seen him in two decades. So I say you should be prepared to let it be OK if you don't collapse in grief. And it's OK if you do too.
Geez, I'm not helping am I? (Like I said, my POV is a bit skewed in one direction.)
I guess all I'm saying is don't listen to anyone but yourself and you'll be fine.
I'm still sorry to hear he's dying though.

Twichie said...

NYP - I feel the same way. DNA does not magically erase everything he's done (and not done) over the past 30+ years.

I don't know what we're doing to do. I can't say I haven't thought about seeing him since we're going to be going straight through there in a month - but I don't know. My Dad is a nonentity to my kids. 100%. They have never heard from him or of him and they have no clue that he even exists. Period. So is it better to leave that or to make this visit? I have no idea.

I do know I hate the idea of my kids coming into contact with him for various reasons...but if it's just dinner. *sigh*

I'll just have to muddle through all the emotions this brings up at this point and figure out what's best to do. *shrugs*

Thank you for your support - I really appreciate it.

LL said...

Wow... you don't have easy conundrums, do you...

I dunno Twichie... on the one hand, you'll be the bigger person if you do initiate the contact, but will it bring up some bad experiences from the past? Will it expose your children to something that you'd rather they weren't exposed to?

On the other hand... the phone works both ways, and over the years he's made his bed so shouldn't he lie in it?

I guess here's the question I'd have for you... if you knew he was living in that town you're planning on stopping at, would you have contacted him before you knew he was dying? If the answer is no, then his current state of health shouldn't change things.

However... there is that whole fifth commandment thing to consider too...

I dunno... I guess like PinTA I'm still not able to wrap my head around the family porn evening and how that effects things...

Damn Twichie... tough one. Been a lot of help... haven't I. You'll have my support whichever way you decide, though.

Twichie said...

Still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

Yes, it exposes my kids to a lot of things I'd rather not expose them to. Period.

On the other hand we're going to be there - dinner out someplace? I don't know.

Since then I've also found out that my Mom has been sending pictures of my kids all these years - something I would rather not have had happen knowing my father's sick mind. I'm disturbed to find out he's got pictures of me and my family all over his house....and that adds to the 'why didn't you bother calling?' part of the equation. Brings a whole new meaning to trophy family. *sigh*

Thanks for the support guys - I'm trying to get through each day now and I'll figure out what I need to do. Whether it's the right thing or not...who knows?

LL said...

So how was the trip?

Twichie said...

Trip was awesome. Hubby spent almost all of it in a wheelchair which irked him to no end, but he's having surgery Wednesday so hopefully the waiting game is over and we're on the real road to healing.

How have you been? It's been crazy here - too crazy to update cause I'm awake and/or doing things for work and hubby being injured almost 24/7.

So you? Anything new? Any new shows or interests? You seen Star Trek? Terminator? Wassup?!

LL said...

Oh you know... same ol' same ol'... not nearly as exciting as it sounds like it is around your house. You've got blog fodder aplenty!

Not much happening around here except for a plethora of rain. And that's an unexpected, but great thing. Not used to gettin' so much in a short length of time, but I'll take it!

As for new shows or films... Sorry. I've missed 'em all. Watchmen, Star Trek, Wolverine... I'm gonna have to turn in my nerd card if I'm not careful.

As for the rest... well... I'm still just waitin' for a friend to hook me up... :P